Whirlwind

Whew. Where do I even begin. The last 2 months have been a whirlwind. We moved to Raleigh almost a month ago, and I don't think I've actually been here for a consecutive week yet. It's been crazy.

The dynamics of transition, leaving, and grieving are funny things. Last weekend I took a quick last minute flight back to Nashville to take care of some final things at the house there. As I left after an emotional and stressful weekend {that involved spending half of the day on Saturday dealing with almost being scammed selling something on craig's list}, I realized what the uneasiness and pit in my stomach was from.

In 6 months I've left 2 places that I love. As you know, leaving East Asia was so hard and emotional, and left a feeling that I can only describe as an emptiness in my heart. There have been many facets to that emotion from missing relationships & a place that grew in my heart and held so much meaning, to a realization that life goes on after you leave & not knowing where you now fit.

I knew I still missed EA, but it wasn't until this weekend that I realized the process of walking through all of that isn't over. The hardest part though, was realizing that I was now going through that same process at the same time with Nashville as well. And that strange feeling I can only describe as a strange emptiness in the pit of my stomach is suddenly doubled. It's funny, the whole stupid craig's list thing left me feeling vulnerable & humiliated, that comes when you feel like you've been taken advantage of.... which was a catalyst for realizing everything else. I'd been doing a seemingly good job of stuffing everything, and it just took something unsettling to bring it all to the surface.

I'm so tired of transition. I want a break, and honestly I felt like once I left Nashville it would be over. Silly me. The whole "transitioning to something new" element hadn't crossed my mind. So now I deal with transition on more levels that I feel like own my own I can handle....

.....away from a place on the other side of the world that had burned a place in my heart that I really didn't want to leave, away from people & a culture that I love in a completely unique way, away from a completely different way of life that I'd grown really accustomed to, away from a place of monumental growth & development both individually & in my marriage, back to America & a culture that is familiar yet so foreign, back to our old house, back to wonderful old relationships I'd missed, while dealing with the beginning of missing new ones, back to meeting with doctors regularly & dealing with ongoing health issues, back to life in Nashville just long enough to settle in again....

And the next thing I know, I'm leaving there, clearly according to the Lord's timing. I didn't grieve leaving Nashville in this way when we went to EA because it didn't seem so permanent. It was still our "home base." We didn't sell our house & we came back to it just how we'd left it. It was also like we hadn't left & the last 2 years were an amazing crazy dream. When we left Nashville with the moving truck in November, I had been going non-stop getting ready to leave, I didn't give myself any room to process or grieve. Getting "gone" was going to be a relief from the stress of moving. It wasn't until we took one last walk through the house that I realized what we were leaving there.

That quote, "Home is wherever I'm with you," that's how I feel, but I will say our marriage was built in that home. We went through A LOT in those first 3 years there, and grew so much together. Around 6 that night after the truck left, we finally got everything done and hit the road to drive halfway & stay the night at my mom's. We locked the door, hugged in the yard and the tears started welling. Adam got in his car and I got in mine, and I burst into tears.

I had to pray that the Lord would make me engage with my emotions & allow Him to meet me there. From my house until I passed the airport on i-40 I sobbed and thanked Him for so many things: for all He'd done in our marriage there, for allowing me to live in the same city as my family & Eve, my lifelong very best friend. For our time at Vandy, as hard and as wonderful it was. For Beth, Betsy & Ashley on my team there who have been monumental to my growth. For the relationships I'd developed there. For Catherine & Marissa whose friendships have come to mean so much to me. For Anna my EA kindered spirit & the ways she's spurred me on on both sides of the world. For the time I got to live there in a different season with Jamie & Erica, my best friends from college & high school. And for so many other people who have been so special to me, and so, so, so much more.

Once outside of Nashville, tiredness hit me and my focus turned to staying awake for 4 hours. The madness only picked back up when the moving truck pulled back up to our new house. We left for a conference a few days later, and I feel like have been on the road off and on since then. I hadn't given myself much time to really think about any of it since. Last Sunday afternoon as the plane left Nashville I fought the tears hard, and did everything I could to distract myself.

And here I am back in Raleigh. Hear me when I say, I really like Raleigh & I'm really excited to be here. The pain of leaving the other 2 places I love doesn't take away from that. That's what makes it hard- there are 3 places I want to be, and I'm forced to grieve the loss of 2 of those.

And now I enter the "transition to" process.... to a new city that I don't know, a new house, looking for a new church, new opportunities for community, a new job sitting at a desk all that that it a huge adjustment, new doctors & looking ahead to a daunting process of dealing with fertility issues, among many other things.

There are moments when I think "I HATE TRANSITION!" But I know that it's all a gift. It's all grace, in that I have the privilege of walking with & depending on the Lord in new & different ways that are for my good & His glory. I don't want to miss out on this season for that reason.

I do feel hopeful & expectant. I am hanging in there. I don't feel despondent, and I don't feel paralyzed. Praise the Lord. As I've said, I can't walk through this on my own. But by His grace & through His strength, we're making it. I'm eager to see what He has in store for us here.

If you've made it this far, thanks for listening :) I needed this to process more than anything else. It's a good reminder of why I even have a blog.

He is good. I am grateful.

From Our Little Corner of the World

I thought I'd give a plain ole life update since there's lots going on in the Strouth house. LOTS.

We've been back in America for 3+ months.... and some days it seems a lot longer, some days shorter. We have gradually eased our way back into life here... some days better than others. Some days we are okay here, some days we wish we were on the other side of the world BUT we're making it, and still confident that we are right where the Lord has us.

So what have we been up to?

July was full of reconnecting with people and adjusting back to life here. And is now kind of a blur. In the midst of being bogged down by a TON of house stuff here, we've asked several times, "Why didn't we do this earlier? Like in July when we had lots of free time?" And it's in those moments we have to remember to give ourselves a lot of grace because we were just doing what we could at the time, and enjoyed great time with loved ones.

As soon as we got back we celebrated the 4th. Within the first week we were back, my mom & dad both came to visit, and my mom returned Lucy to us. Now it's like we were never actually apart.

Then a few weeks later my dear friend Julianna came to visit from North Carolina. We had a blast, as always.

Then Adam's brother & sister in law flew in, with our cute Nephew and we all drove to Kentucky for Kelly's wedding.

He's gotten SO big over the last year! He loves his gifts from EA- KungFu jammies & bug crocs! 

We went by campus to drive by our old houses and walk around, which I hadn't done since we graduated.

From there we went to Ohio to spend a week with Adam's family.

We went to the Columbus zoo for Adam's birthday. Austin loves animals & was fearless in the petting zoo.

Oh and in the midst of that, the Olympics started, and they consumed my life for those 2 weeks. I lovelovelove the olympics. Fun fact, I was there, in the arena when the magnificent 7 won the gold in 1996... when Kerri Strug landed that vault on a hurt ankle to clinch the gold for the women. The women winning the gold again was pretty exciting.

Sometime during August, we started our new jobs, working "remotely." HUGE adjustment. So thankful to work with people who prioritize giving grace above all else. Towards the end of the month,  we went to North Carolina, but on the way stopped in JC for a few days, where I got some great quality time with old friends. Once in NC, we started working in our new office, and looked at a lot of houses all over the Triangle area.

We found one that we liked, in an area that we REALLY like, and hopefully in a couple of weeks it will officially be ours! So we came back from North Carolina, jumped back into the swing of things here working "remotely" and got to work on our house. We went to Kentucky in there somewhere to a friend's wedding 

The last couple of weeks have been CRAZY! But we have survived.

We have been working hard on getting our house ready to go on the market.... doing lots of things that we are asking ourselves, "Why didn't we do this 5 years ago!?" Beats me. Hopefully we wont make those oversights next time. We are pretty much DONE {updated since starting this post!}, and after deep cleaning & "staging" it over the next last 2 days, it will hopefully go is on the market! 

So the ball is really rolling to officially get us moved to North Carolina. Bittersweet to say the least. Excited to be on a yet another new adventure, but really sad to leave this city and people here that we so love! 

So in a nutshell, that's where we've been. The last 2 months are really jumbled in there, but that's how they look in my brain too. Transition is hard & refining. One of the many lessons I'm learning. 

Okay, that's all for now. More soon, when the madness subsides! 

One Month Down

Today marks a month since we arrived back in America. There hasn't been a day that goes by that I don't think about the place that we left and the people we long to see. Day before yesterday one of our closest East Asian friends arrived in America where he will spend the next few years in grad school. He called us that night and it was SO great to hear his voice. Adam wasn't here when he called, so we decided that I wouldn't tell him that Ed called and he could call the next day to wish him a happy birthday. I loved seeing Adam's face light up when he heard his voice. 

Then tonight we went to a park with my in-laws and I looked over and saw seemingly familiar faces. Twice since we've been back I've been out in public and heard people speaking EastAsian and wanted to talk to them and chickened out. Well tonight there was a whole family with a set of toddler twins {heart melted}, grandparents, and their older sister & niece who were visiting them from East Asian in the park playing near us. I finally mustered the courage to walk over and say, "Are you {EastAsian}?" and then have a great conversation with all of them. It felt more natural than being around many Americans. I literally skipped off to the car saying, "My heart is full!!!" 

I was afraid I was going to become numb to it all out of a state of survival, but these little gifts of the last few days were reminders of what I have loved and left.  

But I sit here now, looking at pictures, tears streaming down my face. 

Thinking about what I miss....

This incredibly beautiful place.

I miss Thursday morning walks with Hannah through this beautiful park across the street. 

Processing life. 

I miss our unique little neighborhood.

Where I can walk outside and buy my produce on the street.

And grab a quick & delicious bite for dinner. 

I miss buying meat here. 

And I miss cooking in my ridiculously small kitchen where I learned to cook.

And people. How I miss people. 

Like these who were my family. 

And this sweet boy. I miss him.so.stinking.much. that my heart hurts when I think about it.

And his big brother & his hilarious sayings. And the joy he brought to our lives.

I miss our teachers. 

who became our dear friends.

I miss my AiYi. I miss Tuesday and Friday afternoons with her at my house. 

I miss all of our neighborhood friends. Like the fish restaurant people. 

And their sweet baby boy HaoYu.

I miss stopping to see this sweet boy & talk to his mama {sometimes multiple times} every day.

I miss hearing him call me "MingHui JieJie" & singing LiangZhi LaoHu with him.

I miss LeLe & watching her jump into Adam's arms every time she sees him. 

I miss Mao AiYi asking me if I've eaten yet every time I walk by. 

I miss seeing this sweet old man walking for 3 hours everyday, slowly, one step at a time on his way to recovery. 

With his helper by his side who ALWAYS had a sweet smile on his face. 

And I miss a hundred other faces I can't put on here but wish I could see right now. 

I miss doing life here. I miss walks around our neighborhood & campus at night with Adam- with everyone outside playing with their families after dinner. I miss spending time with the Lord on my brown couch every morning. I grew more on that couch than I have anywhere else. 

It's hard.

We were never meant for good-byes. 

And I long for the day when I never have to say it again. 

How thankful I am for that hope. That sustaining hope. 

Back in the U.S.of.A.

AHH i have started and re-started and re-started writing this again and again.... so I'm just leaving it as it is like I finished writing on Sunday, the last time I re-wrote again.  

I've recently taken a blogging hiatus because I don't want to write this post and I don't want to post anything else until I write this post. So I'll try to get over this hump and hammer something out.

We've been home for over 2 weeks now and every day has {pretty much} flown by.... or maybe they've all just been a blur and time has been irrelevant... like I'm hanging out in some time continuum. Which is kind of how I feel. I feel like a spaz when people ask me questions about being home or our time there. They've all  been gracious through my grappling. I leaned over to Adam at church this morning and said, "We've got to come up with a less spastic answer to that question..." after someone asked us how long we would be here.

As far as the transition home goes, my expectations were vague which I think was kind of to my benefit. 3 of my best friends were at the airport with my mom, aunt, uncle & cousin which made me feel super loved & welcomed well. 

one happy mama

my fam

pictures courtesy of my sweet friend Anna Mo 

The first few days, and I guess every day sine have been full of lots of unpacking, and some visits here and there. I haven't seen a ton of people yet, and talked to even fewer, but I feel like I have a lot more time for that this year and can take my time.

So generally speaking, I'm not sure how I feel. I think that America in general hasn't been as stressful as I anticipated. I did a better job easing myself into public this year and that was helpful. Last year I went to an upity part of town for lunch & the grocery on the first day back. That thrusted me into culture shock. So this year, I didn't venture into public until a few days in. Much better idea.

So we're back. It feels like we've been gone forever and for a month at the same time. Please pray for us through this transition.... for all of the obvious things, but more than anything else that we would really trust the Lord & seek to enjoy Him through this season that He has us in. 

Okay, over the hump... more to come! 

A Month to Go

I started writing this post 5 days ago, when I did have a month to go. Then I stopped, because I am currently struggling to really face reality. Now it's 5 days less than a month {I refuse to count down.... although that math clearly isn't that difficult to figure out}. In less than a month, we'll be back in America.... for good, for now. A lot of you have probably received our "update" and know everything surrounding our return. The why's & the what's.

We will say that if we were writing the story of our lives, we would once again be going home for 6 weeks and then would be back here in August. But we're not. Someone bigger, better, wiser, more loving, sovereign and GOOD is writing it. I'm not going into details here, for now at least, but He has used some ongoing health issues I've been dealing with over the last few years to take us back to the states, for now. We don't think that our time in EA is over forever, and will keep our hearts open to return whenever He chooses to lead us to.


I honestly don't know how to put how I feel into words. Sad. really, really sad. Adam and I have talked a lot about why it is so hard- because it has been SO GOOD. It is going to be a really, really hard transition. We are really excited for what we will be doing in the states; we are super happy to be close to  friends and family again; we are ecstatic to be reunited with our sweet puppy. But leaving here is probably one of the hardest things we've had to do. There have been lots and lots and lots of tears, and I just want to stick my heels in the ground and make time stop.

I don't dread returning to America by any means, simply because so many people who are so dear to me are there. But I am so, so, so sad to say good-bye to this place that I love. I will say I am going back a completely different person than I was 2 years ago. I desire to live a different lifestyle {and will certainly be asking some of you to help hold me accountable to that} and the thought of going back to certain ways of living that are so different than here make me want to run and hide. BUT I have been so reminded that regardless of where I am, I get HIM. My circumstances & location don't determine my happiness, nor my joy.... He uses them, ordains them, that I would experience Him in different ways, enjoying Him, glorifying Him as my soul is satisfied in Him.

So please think about and go before Him for us over the next 4 weeks.... That we would finish our time here well. That we would savor every moment He gives us, soaking up every ounce of this place and these people that we so dearly love. That we would say good-bye well. That we would transition back well. That we would grieve well. That we would expect great things ahead. Because He goes before us.

Joyfully clinging to the truth,

My other sweet nephew: Tyler Bear

I think you've gathered by now that one of my greatest joys in going home was meeting my other "nephew" Tyler. I talked about the sadness of not being there for his arrival here in March, but just to reiterate.... his mama and I have been like bffffffff x1,000 since birth- gmas & mamas were bff, we were born 3 months apart and have been BEST friends since then. both each others MOH's. to say we're like sisters would be an understatement. 

here's proof:

i think its rare to have a relationship like ours, and I'm so thankful for her. 

we've spent our entire child-hood/teenage years/early adult life planning our futures together which most certainly included our children. it is still surreal that evie has a baby, and if I was writing our story Tyler's bff or gf would be cooing in the floor next to him. But I'm not writing our story- someone who knows much better is- so I'll just love on him like he's my own. 

Without further ado, I would love to introduce you to Mr. Personality......

Hi I'm Tyler, but you can call me little man or Tyler Bear. I'm pretty cute huh?

I've got the sweetest smile you've ever seen with BIG dimples on both cheeks. 

hmmm, what's that you say? 

aunt haywee! you're leaving me again!? you just got here! 

you promise to come back!? okay! 

my animal book is my FAVORITE! 

 i LOVE this part! munch, munch, much! 

i sure do love kisses from my mommy. 

she's so funny. 

teeheehee! that's fun mommy. do it again. 

i got my daddy's legs. 

they all keep saying something about me being a linebacker?? I'm not real sure what that is, but it sure sounds like fun! 

i know you just want to stick your fingers in my dimples....

but if you do I'll poke you back! hah! 

I love my big jump jump. If I jump big enough, the elephant cheers for me.... 

....good thing I got these so called linebacker legs. I make some BIG jumps. 

mmmm i sure do love my hand. 

okay Aunt haywee.... I gotta go watch elmo now. I'll talk to you later. 

 I miss you already.... and don't worry- I promise when you come home in July I'll come running into your arms screaming, "AUNT HAYWEEEEE!" 

sniff. i can't hardly stand it. i sure do miss you Tyler Bear and mourn the fact that you will be running and talking when i see you again. until then, you be sweet for your mommy & please don't forget me! I love you little man. 

Joyfully Loving Those Smushy Legs,