You give yourself grace. Hard as it may be.
The last several months have been hard. And dry.
Waiting. Trusting. Wondering. Longing.
to the point of exhaustion.
It got to the point a few months ago where engaging with where I was emotionally became too hard.
I was tired of being sad and disappointed. So I shut down emotionally.
I just keep going through life like everything is fine. But I was just coasting. Not allowing myself to feel much beyond "fine."
I hate being in that place. But sometimes it's just reality.
What I really hate is knowing that I can't really engage with the Lord when I am not engaging with myself. It's like trying to connect with a person by being someone you're not.
I also knew that I was missing out on what He wants to do in my life through this season.
I am confident that "all is grace."
That nothing happens in my life outside of His will, and that is not intended ultimately for my good and His glory.
Even if it hurts.
Think about it.... if everything is good, do I see my need for Him?
If I never hurt, how can I be comforted?
And what ultimately brings more joy?
Life being hunky-dory all the time, or being comforted by the Creator and Sustainer of all things... comfort being one of those things?
He is so much greater. And in pain we get Him. intimately.
And what more do I want?
Don't get me wrong, when things are good, we get Him too.... but in our humanity, it's so much easier to rely on our circumstances when things are good. And attribute them to anything else but the provider of them.
So what do you do?
I could scold myself for not doing the "right thing" by allowing myself to feel sad
or on the flip side I could beat myself up for feeling sad.
or throw myself a massive pity-party and demand the same from others (no denying that hasn't been reality at times)
or avoid anything that might make me feel anything other than happy (impossible, but believe me I've tried)
or I could "fake it" and do the right "spiritual activities" to try to make God think that I was being this fantastic follower of Him by pretending to be fully surrendered and consider it "pure joy in my suffering." Honestly, I was too exhausted for that.
But let's be honest, He can't be fooled. And He definitely doesn't demand any of this from me.
When a child is broken, and devastated and exhausted does a good parent tell them they need to get it together? Not in my opinion. They just hold them and comfort them.
He isn't phased when I tell Him, "I AM SO MAD AT YOU! Why are you so mean to me!?!?" {Because believe me I have} In those moments I know that He's not mean, but it sure feels like it. I know that in my very finite mind I just don't understand what He's doing.
I heard/sobbed through a talk in January when the speaker shared a story about his daughter. In a nutshell, when she was a toddler, she got extremely sick and the doctors couldn't figure out what was wrong. It came to needing to do a spinal tap. So he was forced to hold her down while they did it. And they missed. And they missed again. And they missed again. Can you imagine being this man? Holding your screaming daughter down, who has no idea what is going on or why she is being tortured? And who can't begin to understand why in the world her loving dad would hold her down and force her to go endure this torture? He said he just wept and sang to her, repeating a little song he sang to her that went something like "Daddy loves {little girl's name}" over and over again. All that she could understand was, "Daddy if you love me, then why are you doing this to me?"
I'm confident that God holds us weeping while we wonder what in the world He's doing, but knows that ultimately it will be so much better in the end. But even in those moments when I wonder "Why are you so mean to me!?" He gives me SO much grace. He knows that He is good. He doesn't need me to feel it for it to be true. I can't imagine the sorrow His heart felt when His Son cried "Why are you forsaking me!?" as He hung on a cross bearing the weight of my junk, pain, brokenness, failure. He turned His face, but knew that it was the ultimate good that would result in glory. And I'm sure as Jesus was resurrected it all made sense, as it will for us all.... one day.
So you learn to give yourself grace. You throw "should" out the window. And you just be.
Be accepted. Be loved. Be comforted. Be sustained.
By the one who demands nothing in return.
There's nothing I want more.
He is good. All is grace because of Christ.
