Where to Begin?

Where to begin? I really, really miss blogging. So why don't I just do it? That's a great question... that I can't answer. I've considering doing a "relaunch" of sorts. But let's be honest, I'd probably fail on like day 2. So I'm going to just go for it and try my hardest to start writing more. We'll see.

SO where do I start. With a major life update. How does that sound?

"Look at the birds of the air' they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?... See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin." Matthew 6:26&28b

I wrote this post back in the fall..... "What to do when you just shut down?"

Clearly it had been a long, hard season. I implied it from time to time, but never came out and talked about what was going on. So here goes....  For the longest time I have longed to be a mom. I've always loved babies and kids. I started babysitting when I was really young. I remember being 13 and rocking a baby I watched regularly to sleep thinking, "One day when I'm a mom, I can't wait to do this with my own baby." It has always been something I've looked forward to. At the same time, I have always had issues with my endocrine system and knew deep down that I'd have problems with my reproductive system when the time came. The last several years have been a roller coaster of health issues that go even beyond those issues but definitely have a significant impact on this area of my life. So that's where a lot of the pain and frustration has come from. Dealing with all of these problems. And waiting.

For the longest time being a mom has seemed so far fetched, so many steps away with too many hurdles to jump over to ever get there. I've watched people seemingly cough, blink, and sneeze and get pregnant and been perplexed. I've struggled to not feel defective. Struggled to not feel like an insignificant woman.

For years I've continued to see doctors and specialists who have worked together to help me move forward towards progress and healing in many areas. Sometimes I forget how great of a gift from God these people have been, but I can look back and see exactly how He used them in my life. Often it seemed like one step forward three steps back. Yet, I can see exactly how he worked through all of it.

Part of moving to North Carolina meant finding a new reproductive endocrinologist- or fertility doctor. Dr. Fritz was recommended to me with great praise, so my doctor in Nashville referred me to him and I was able to get in soon after we moved here. I can't begin to tell you how thankful I am that I was able to get connected to him. Just a little side note/plug- if you know anyone in the Raleigh/Durham area who has had any problems with getting pregnant, you have to recommend them to Dr. Fritz at UNC Fertility. I can't sing his praises enough.

In August, after seeing him for 9 months, my body was finally at the point of being ready to start more aggressive fertility treatments- around that time I wrote that blog post about shutting down. I was prepared for months and months of sticking myself with needles, being poked and prodded more than I cared to, but hopeful that it would be worth it in end. We started the first round of injections....another side note- if you know someone who has to do this, I'd be happy to talk to them. It really wasn't bad AT ALL. So yea, first round of injections, going to see the doctor every day or two for poking and prodding, and I was convinced that we would have to cancel the cycle and start over- because that's pretty common in the first round with this type of treatment. It is usually for figuring out what dosage works for you. But everything kept going smoothly and follicles grew, and levels increased, and for the first time in my life with the help of hormones injected into my body, my endocrine system did what it was supposed to. So we waited, with low expectations but encouraged and hopeful for the next cycle that would probably start a couple of weeks later.

But there wouldn't be a next cycle. I went back for blood work and Dr. Fritz called me. "Well young lady, You. Are. Pregnant." The three words I thought I'd never hear. My head spun and I thought "This can't be real!" It took days for it to sink in and of course I was reluctant to get too excited, but as my levels went up like they were supposed to my nerves subsided and reality set it. Hearing the heartbeat for the first time was one of the most incredible moments of my life. I'm 26 weeks along now and it still doesn't seem like reality.

As I look back, I often think about my response to the Lord's goodness to me. I don't want to take any gift He's given me for granted. Yet, it is so easy to praise doctors, medicines, and processes. But He created this sweet life in His perfect timing. He saw me. He knew my heart and desires, He used a really hard season of my life to work in my heart in ways that I desperately needed. I want to respond in gratitude to this precious gift. And not just to the gift of this little one growing and kicking inside of me, but to the fact that He is good, that He has done a great work in my broken body, that He did hear me and have compassion on me, that He has seen my tears and brokenness and comforted me. He knew what He was doing all along.

It's the greatest news I've ever received and while I know that so many are right here with me, I know there's someone out there that it hurts. And what can I say to you? He sees you and He knows. I feel hopeful for you as others felt hopeful for me when I had no hope.

"I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I have asked of Him."

1 Samuel 1:27

Coming May 22nd, 2014. By the grace of God.

Every good & perfect gift comes from above. 

What do you do when you just shut down?

You give yourself grace. Hard as it may be.

The last several months have been hard. And dry.
Waiting. Trusting. Wondering. Longing.
to the point of exhaustion.
It got to the point a few months ago where engaging with where I was emotionally became too hard.
I was tired of being sad and disappointed. So I shut down emotionally.
I just keep going through life like everything is fine. But I was just coasting. Not allowing myself to feel much beyond "fine."

I hate being in that place. But sometimes it's just reality.
What I really hate is knowing that I can't really engage with the Lord when I am not engaging with myself. It's like trying to connect with a person by being someone you're not.

I also knew that I was missing out on what He wants to do in my life through this season.
I am confident that "all is grace."
That nothing happens in my life outside of His will, and that is not intended ultimately for my good and His glory.
Even if it hurts.
Think about it.... if everything is good, do I see my need for Him?
If I never hurt, how can I be comforted?
And what ultimately brings more joy?
Life being hunky-dory all the time, or being comforted by the Creator and Sustainer of all things... comfort being one of those things?
He is so much greater. And in pain we get Him. intimately.
And what more do I want?
Don't get me wrong, when things are good, we get Him too.... but in our humanity, it's so much easier to rely on our circumstances when things are good. And attribute them to anything else but the provider of them.

So what do you do?
I could scold myself for not doing the "right thing" by allowing myself to feel sad
or on the flip side I could beat myself up for feeling sad.
or throw myself a massive pity-party and demand the same from others (no denying that hasn't been reality at times)
or avoid anything that might make me feel anything other than happy (impossible, but believe me I've tried)
or I could "fake it" and do the right "spiritual activities" to try to make God think that I was being this fantastic follower of Him by pretending to be fully surrendered and consider it "pure joy in my suffering." Honestly, I was too exhausted for that.

But let's be honest, He can't be fooled. And He definitely doesn't demand any of this from me.
When a child is broken, and devastated and exhausted does a good parent tell them they need to get it together? Not in my opinion. They just hold them and comfort them.
He isn't phased when I tell Him, "I AM SO MAD AT YOU! Why are you so mean to me!?!?" {Because believe me I have} In those moments I know that He's not mean, but it sure feels like it. I know that in my very finite mind I just don't understand what He's doing.

I heard/sobbed through a talk in January when the speaker shared a story about his daughter. In a nutshell, when she was a toddler, she got extremely sick and the doctors couldn't figure out what was wrong. It came to needing to do a spinal tap. So he was forced to hold her down while they did it. And they missed. And they missed again. And they missed again. Can you imagine being this man? Holding your screaming daughter down, who has no idea what is going on or why she is being tortured? And who can't begin to understand why in the world her loving dad would hold her down and force her to go endure this torture? He said he just wept and sang to her, repeating a little song he sang to her that went something like "Daddy loves {little girl's name}" over and over again. All that she could understand was, "Daddy if you love me, then why are you doing this to me?"

I'm confident that God holds us weeping while we wonder what in the world He's doing, but knows that ultimately it will be so much better in the end. But even in those moments when I wonder "Why are you so mean to me!?" He gives me SO much grace. He knows that He is good. He doesn't need me to feel it for it to be true. I can't imagine the sorrow His heart felt when His Son cried "Why are you forsaking me!?" as He hung on a cross bearing the weight of my junk, pain, brokenness, failure.  He turned His face, but knew that it was the ultimate good that would result in glory. And I'm sure as Jesus was resurrected it all made sense, as it will for us all.... one day.

So you learn to give yourself grace. You throw "should" out the window. And you just be.

Be accepted. Be loved. Be comforted. Be sustained.
By the one who demands nothing in return.
There's nothing I want more.
He is good. All is grace because of Christ.

Just in case you wanted to know....

What I've been up to.

And I want to photo-dump big time, so here's a recap of the last few months.

I never updated on the actual moving part of moving....

 

In November (how is it already almost March!?) the GIANT moving truck {don't worry it wasn't all for us} pulled up ready to be filled with all of our stuff. SO MUCH STUFF. Seriously... how!?!? Mind boggling I tell you, we just got rid of SO MUCH STUFF in our yard sale, and still had twice as much stuff as we'd like.

Once the truck was loaded like a game of tetris, we hit the road & made a pit stop at my mom's for the night. She had Lucy for the last few weeks while we were packing and trying to sell the house. Poor thing was so confused when we up and left again the next morning. 

Then the next thing we knew the giant truck was back to unload it all. 

  

And here we were. Home sweet new home. We made do with what furniture we had available.... a futon & camping chairs. Unforunately, this house isn't big enough for our furniture that we had in Nashville. So we had to sell it all.

  

THEN a few days later we got BACK in the car and went to Black Mountain for a conference with our region. It was weird being there, but I was glad to connect with fun friends... like Kristy & her baby Parker and sweet Shannon.

And then we climbed back over the mountain to finally pick up the dog, and stayed for a night or 2 in Johnson City.

 

Then Lucy came back with us.... let me tell you, she STILL doesn't like our house. This first picture I captured during her nightly pant session when we go to bed. Who knew a dog panting in your ear could be unnerving when you have to hear it for 2 hours when you're trying to fall asleep? She eventually stops. She has at least stopped trembling with panting now, and has cut her pant time down significantly. I don't blame her, our old house had AMAZING windows that went to the floor. Her bed was right under the window sill. Now she feels like she's stuck in a windowless box. I'm pretty claustrophobic, so I'm sure I'd hate it too if I were only 2 feet off the floor.  

Then we celebrated Thanksgiving by ourselves. It was a lovely giant meal that we had to eat for days.

We got a few days in to just enjoy our new fun yard & the greenways of Raleigh.

Then I took a last minute trip back to Nashville to take care of the last few things before we closed on selling our house. That was..... hard.  

AND THEN...... 

As soon as I flew back in to town, Jules picked me up & we went to see the So You Think You Can Dance tour in Durham. It was wonderful. I LOVE the show, and they did most of the dances from this last season and then some. LOVELOVELOVED it. 

And Christmas season was under way.....

and we continued to get to know our little area. Santa made a pit stop at our local coffee shop. This house packed more inflatables than ever should have fit. 

Before we headed out for the holidays, one of our dear friends from EA came to spend Christmas with us, and we went to get REAL Chinese food with old friends. 

The next day we set out and made it to the end of the street before we had a flat. Boo. 

We finally made it to Columbus where we spent time enjoying our family there. Austin (our nephew) wanted to be like Lucy and drink from the dog bowl. It doesn't help that my brother in law encourages such behavior on a regular basis ;)

We spent a day at the national air force museum in Dayton. Adam has talked  about it for years, and I never imaged it would be so awesome. I could have spent days reading allllll about the last 100 years in aviation.  There were so many planes of all shapes and sizes, many that have flown in wars. If you're ever in ohio and not too far, it's definitely worth the drive..... 

which we made back to Columbus in a snow storm. Not fun.

Our friend made the whole fam real Chinese food that was delicious! 

We opened presents..... and we got our most awesome gift- the segway tour AND in return, we finally got Alex back after his years of re-gifting. These aprons have now been passed on to the other Mr. & Mrs. Strouths. 

Then it was off to East TN. I haven't been in Johnson City with my dad on Christmas day in 12 years so it was such a blessing to be with him. 

I also got in some good time with my Mama & dear friends like Jami. 

AND then to a big student conference to bring in the new year. 

As soon as we got back, it felt like I turned around again to head to Denver for... you guessed it, a conference. 

And 2 days after I got back, 2 of my best friends Eve & Marisa (and Tyler too) came to visit for my bithday! It was wonderful! 

AND THEN we went to Spain. And then I went to another conference. And then Adam left. And then And then And then........ I'm ready to SLOW down. March is looking promising. 

Congrats if you made it this far. 

Best of 2012

As 2012 comes to a close & 2013 begins, I want to be intentional to fully engage with where I am, by both looking back & looking ahead. The past year has 2 very distinct chapters- divided straight down the middle at 6 months each- last 6 months in EA and first 6 months back in America. It's kind of all a blur, so I thought something like a "best of" list would be helpful for me to think through to get the ball rolling. I found some of the prompts here on (in)courage and added a few based on peoples responses in the comments there. Some are fun & some are a little more serious. I hope you enjoy!


Best recipe you couldn't not make again......
Our favorite homemade calzones. I think this is our favorite meal to make together. I adapted ours from this recipe.

Best dessert
smores cookies. so tasty.

Best book you couldn't put down
1,000 Gifts

Technically i read it in 2011, but going back and reading back over what I read and highlighted and underlined and highlighted and underlined some more.

Best song you couldn't get out of your head
ooooo, too many to chose from so I'll pick 2: I Wont Give Up On Us by Jason Mraz and Farther Along by Josh Garrels. Both had a lot of meaning to me this year.

Jeans that fit best
Shew.... this was a hard one this year. I've had a fit with jeans. I "grew out of" a size  but didn't quite make it to the next size in the same jeans I've been wearing for years. So i had to venture out. My favorite that it me best are Gap's Always Skinnys.

Best moment
Kentucky winning the National Championship. After waiting for years and years and years, it was incredible to experience. Even if I was on the other side of the world watching it through the internet.

Best hard but good
moving back to America, moving to North Carolina and lots of transition. I wont rehash it all in this post, but you can read more here & here to learn more.

Best article read
Lots to chose from.... but this post on In Holy Expectancy really hits home.....
"The Problem of Evil? The Greater Problem of Good?"

Best video
Ian & Larissa's story on Desiring God

Best TV show
Duck Dynasty and Friday Night Lights. Duck Dynatsy makes me laugh like no other, and the more I read about the Robertson family, the more I love this show. FNL has been a huge means of redemption for me... crazy as it sounds. Maybe I'll share more one day.

 

Best habit cultivated
Counting gifts. Just trust me and read 1,000 gifts. And then start counting gifts as you walk throughout each day. I was really intentional for the first 6 months of the year than the 2nd, but this practice does help me to walk more intimately with the Lord throughout each day and practice gratitude. I'd highly recommend joining thousands of others each month with "The Joy Dare." This is my first gifts journal & i love going back and randomly reading through things I wrote.

Best gift given & received
Given..... I love the little elephant embroidery that I gave Hannah

Received.....I'm going to go with the KitchenAid stand mixer I just got for Christmas. So much potential.

Best craft made
Appliquéd Onesies. This was definitely the project that went much better than I anticipated!

Best trip/adventure
I'm gonna have to go with Vacation in Thailand. It was perfect timing last year, and a great time to really connect with friends & process life.... while walking up and down the beach in Thailand in the middle of January. Have to say I'm a little jealous of my friends who will be there in a couple of weeks!

Best newly discovered artist
Ben Howard. I love the creativity in his music & lyrics.

Best lesson learned
sometimes in marriage, you have to be willing to be hurt by the other person for the sake of their growth. it sounds strange I know, and in no way does it mean making yourself a scapegoat or being run over. It was hard for me to understand when a counselor told us this, but when I began to really process this, I began to see how true it is. I think only a marriage centered on the Gospel can take this risk.... knowing that Christ is where our identity is, and that our goal is to point each other to the Gospel. I have the privilege of being the Gospel to Adam and him to me, and when we respond in grace when hurt by the other, we begin to move forward in growth.


On (in)courage I also found this list, that I intend to process myself when I get a chance in the next few weeks. They are a little more in depth. 20 Questions for reflecting on your 2012

Joyfully Processing,
Haley

Whirlwind

Whew. Where do I even begin. The last 2 months have been a whirlwind. We moved to Raleigh almost a month ago, and I don't think I've actually been here for a consecutive week yet. It's been crazy.

The dynamics of transition, leaving, and grieving are funny things. Last weekend I took a quick last minute flight back to Nashville to take care of some final things at the house there. As I left after an emotional and stressful weekend {that involved spending half of the day on Saturday dealing with almost being scammed selling something on craig's list}, I realized what the uneasiness and pit in my stomach was from.

In 6 months I've left 2 places that I love. As you know, leaving East Asia was so hard and emotional, and left a feeling that I can only describe as an emptiness in my heart. There have been many facets to that emotion from missing relationships & a place that grew in my heart and held so much meaning, to a realization that life goes on after you leave & not knowing where you now fit.

I knew I still missed EA, but it wasn't until this weekend that I realized the process of walking through all of that isn't over. The hardest part though, was realizing that I was now going through that same process at the same time with Nashville as well. And that strange feeling I can only describe as a strange emptiness in the pit of my stomach is suddenly doubled. It's funny, the whole stupid craig's list thing left me feeling vulnerable & humiliated, that comes when you feel like you've been taken advantage of.... which was a catalyst for realizing everything else. I'd been doing a seemingly good job of stuffing everything, and it just took something unsettling to bring it all to the surface.

I'm so tired of transition. I want a break, and honestly I felt like once I left Nashville it would be over. Silly me. The whole "transitioning to something new" element hadn't crossed my mind. So now I deal with transition on more levels that I feel like own my own I can handle....

.....away from a place on the other side of the world that had burned a place in my heart that I really didn't want to leave, away from people & a culture that I love in a completely unique way, away from a completely different way of life that I'd grown really accustomed to, away from a place of monumental growth & development both individually & in my marriage, back to America & a culture that is familiar yet so foreign, back to our old house, back to wonderful old relationships I'd missed, while dealing with the beginning of missing new ones, back to meeting with doctors regularly & dealing with ongoing health issues, back to life in Nashville just long enough to settle in again....

And the next thing I know, I'm leaving there, clearly according to the Lord's timing. I didn't grieve leaving Nashville in this way when we went to EA because it didn't seem so permanent. It was still our "home base." We didn't sell our house & we came back to it just how we'd left it. It was also like we hadn't left & the last 2 years were an amazing crazy dream. When we left Nashville with the moving truck in November, I had been going non-stop getting ready to leave, I didn't give myself any room to process or grieve. Getting "gone" was going to be a relief from the stress of moving. It wasn't until we took one last walk through the house that I realized what we were leaving there.

That quote, "Home is wherever I'm with you," that's how I feel, but I will say our marriage was built in that home. We went through A LOT in those first 3 years there, and grew so much together. Around 6 that night after the truck left, we finally got everything done and hit the road to drive halfway & stay the night at my mom's. We locked the door, hugged in the yard and the tears started welling. Adam got in his car and I got in mine, and I burst into tears.

I had to pray that the Lord would make me engage with my emotions & allow Him to meet me there. From my house until I passed the airport on i-40 I sobbed and thanked Him for so many things: for all He'd done in our marriage there, for allowing me to live in the same city as my family & Eve, my lifelong very best friend. For our time at Vandy, as hard and as wonderful it was. For Beth, Betsy & Ashley on my team there who have been monumental to my growth. For the relationships I'd developed there. For Catherine & Marissa whose friendships have come to mean so much to me. For Anna my EA kindered spirit & the ways she's spurred me on on both sides of the world. For the time I got to live there in a different season with Jamie & Erica, my best friends from college & high school. And for so many other people who have been so special to me, and so, so, so much more.

Once outside of Nashville, tiredness hit me and my focus turned to staying awake for 4 hours. The madness only picked back up when the moving truck pulled back up to our new house. We left for a conference a few days later, and I feel like have been on the road off and on since then. I hadn't given myself much time to really think about any of it since. Last Sunday afternoon as the plane left Nashville I fought the tears hard, and did everything I could to distract myself.

And here I am back in Raleigh. Hear me when I say, I really like Raleigh & I'm really excited to be here. The pain of leaving the other 2 places I love doesn't take away from that. That's what makes it hard- there are 3 places I want to be, and I'm forced to grieve the loss of 2 of those.

And now I enter the "transition to" process.... to a new city that I don't know, a new house, looking for a new church, new opportunities for community, a new job sitting at a desk all that that it a huge adjustment, new doctors & looking ahead to a daunting process of dealing with fertility issues, among many other things.

There are moments when I think "I HATE TRANSITION!" But I know that it's all a gift. It's all grace, in that I have the privilege of walking with & depending on the Lord in new & different ways that are for my good & His glory. I don't want to miss out on this season for that reason.

I do feel hopeful & expectant. I am hanging in there. I don't feel despondent, and I don't feel paralyzed. Praise the Lord. As I've said, I can't walk through this on my own. But by His grace & through His strength, we're making it. I'm eager to see what He has in store for us here.

If you've made it this far, thanks for listening :) I needed this to process more than anything else. It's a good reminder of why I even have a blog.

He is good. I am grateful.

From Our Little Corner of the World

I thought I'd give a plain ole life update since there's lots going on in the Strouth house. LOTS.

We've been back in America for 3+ months.... and some days it seems a lot longer, some days shorter. We have gradually eased our way back into life here... some days better than others. Some days we are okay here, some days we wish we were on the other side of the world BUT we're making it, and still confident that we are right where the Lord has us.

So what have we been up to?

July was full of reconnecting with people and adjusting back to life here. And is now kind of a blur. In the midst of being bogged down by a TON of house stuff here, we've asked several times, "Why didn't we do this earlier? Like in July when we had lots of free time?" And it's in those moments we have to remember to give ourselves a lot of grace because we were just doing what we could at the time, and enjoyed great time with loved ones.

As soon as we got back we celebrated the 4th. Within the first week we were back, my mom & dad both came to visit, and my mom returned Lucy to us. Now it's like we were never actually apart.

Then a few weeks later my dear friend Julianna came to visit from North Carolina. We had a blast, as always.

Then Adam's brother & sister in law flew in, with our cute Nephew and we all drove to Kentucky for Kelly's wedding.

He's gotten SO big over the last year! He loves his gifts from EA- KungFu jammies & bug crocs! 

We went by campus to drive by our old houses and walk around, which I hadn't done since we graduated.

From there we went to Ohio to spend a week with Adam's family.

We went to the Columbus zoo for Adam's birthday. Austin loves animals & was fearless in the petting zoo.

Oh and in the midst of that, the Olympics started, and they consumed my life for those 2 weeks. I lovelovelove the olympics. Fun fact, I was there, in the arena when the magnificent 7 won the gold in 1996... when Kerri Strug landed that vault on a hurt ankle to clinch the gold for the women. The women winning the gold again was pretty exciting.

Sometime during August, we started our new jobs, working "remotely." HUGE adjustment. So thankful to work with people who prioritize giving grace above all else. Towards the end of the month,  we went to North Carolina, but on the way stopped in JC for a few days, where I got some great quality time with old friends. Once in NC, we started working in our new office, and looked at a lot of houses all over the Triangle area.

We found one that we liked, in an area that we REALLY like, and hopefully in a couple of weeks it will officially be ours! So we came back from North Carolina, jumped back into the swing of things here working "remotely" and got to work on our house. We went to Kentucky in there somewhere to a friend's wedding 

The last couple of weeks have been CRAZY! But we have survived.

We have been working hard on getting our house ready to go on the market.... doing lots of things that we are asking ourselves, "Why didn't we do this 5 years ago!?" Beats me. Hopefully we wont make those oversights next time. We are pretty much DONE {updated since starting this post!}, and after deep cleaning & "staging" it over the next last 2 days, it will hopefully go is on the market! 

So the ball is really rolling to officially get us moved to North Carolina. Bittersweet to say the least. Excited to be on a yet another new adventure, but really sad to leave this city and people here that we so love! 

So in a nutshell, that's where we've been. The last 2 months are really jumbled in there, but that's how they look in my brain too. Transition is hard & refining. One of the many lessons I'm learning. 

Okay, that's all for now. More soon, when the madness subsides! 

One Month Down

Today marks a month since we arrived back in America. There hasn't been a day that goes by that I don't think about the place that we left and the people we long to see. Day before yesterday one of our closest East Asian friends arrived in America where he will spend the next few years in grad school. He called us that night and it was SO great to hear his voice. Adam wasn't here when he called, so we decided that I wouldn't tell him that Ed called and he could call the next day to wish him a happy birthday. I loved seeing Adam's face light up when he heard his voice. 

Then tonight we went to a park with my in-laws and I looked over and saw seemingly familiar faces. Twice since we've been back I've been out in public and heard people speaking EastAsian and wanted to talk to them and chickened out. Well tonight there was a whole family with a set of toddler twins {heart melted}, grandparents, and their older sister & niece who were visiting them from East Asian in the park playing near us. I finally mustered the courage to walk over and say, "Are you {EastAsian}?" and then have a great conversation with all of them. It felt more natural than being around many Americans. I literally skipped off to the car saying, "My heart is full!!!" 

I was afraid I was going to become numb to it all out of a state of survival, but these little gifts of the last few days were reminders of what I have loved and left.  

But I sit here now, looking at pictures, tears streaming down my face. 

Thinking about what I miss....

This incredibly beautiful place.

I miss Thursday morning walks with Hannah through this beautiful park across the street. 

Processing life. 

I miss our unique little neighborhood.

Where I can walk outside and buy my produce on the street.

And grab a quick & delicious bite for dinner. 

I miss buying meat here. 

And I miss cooking in my ridiculously small kitchen where I learned to cook.

And people. How I miss people. 

Like these who were my family. 

And this sweet boy. I miss him.so.stinking.much. that my heart hurts when I think about it.

And his big brother & his hilarious sayings. And the joy he brought to our lives.

I miss our teachers. 

who became our dear friends.

I miss my AiYi. I miss Tuesday and Friday afternoons with her at my house. 

I miss all of our neighborhood friends. Like the fish restaurant people. 

And their sweet baby boy HaoYu.

I miss stopping to see this sweet boy & talk to his mama {sometimes multiple times} every day.

I miss hearing him call me "MingHui JieJie" & singing LiangZhi LaoHu with him.

I miss LeLe & watching her jump into Adam's arms every time she sees him. 

I miss Mao AiYi asking me if I've eaten yet every time I walk by. 

I miss seeing this sweet old man walking for 3 hours everyday, slowly, one step at a time on his way to recovery. 

With his helper by his side who ALWAYS had a sweet smile on his face. 

And I miss a hundred other faces I can't put on here but wish I could see right now. 

I miss doing life here. I miss walks around our neighborhood & campus at night with Adam- with everyone outside playing with their families after dinner. I miss spending time with the Lord on my brown couch every morning. I grew more on that couch than I have anywhere else. 

It's hard.

We were never meant for good-byes. 

And I long for the day when I never have to say it again. 

How thankful I am for that hope. That sustaining hope.